Saturday, August 18, 2007

Do You Really Know Your Spouse?

Can you remember ever having a moment when you thought to yourself, “Do I really know the person I married?” You may have to think back if you’ve been married for a while. Was there a time that something happened or was said that made you think, “What have I gotten myself into?” Perhaps it was even something that even scared you. There are always horror stories in the news of people who get married only to find out that they have married a monster.
What follows is a true story of a couple who have been married for a little over a year. The names have been changed to protect the ignorant… um, I mean innocent. Let’s call our couple Junior and Laura.

Junior and Laura live in a comfortable home in a suburban area. They have a nice-sized yard with quiet neighbors. Laura’s sister and her husband live close by and often stop to visit and have meals with Junior and Laura. So begins our tale….

It’s a blistering 106 degrees in the comfy suburban neighborhood where Junior and Laura live. For unknown reasons, the power goes out. As Junior and Laura sit suffering through the near-unbearable heat, Junior decides that he & his lovely wife should be more prepared for such events. He begins to talk of having stores of water on-hand for emergencies like natural disasters and possible terror attacks. He shares the desire to have more food in the house, in case they can’t purchase it anywhere for a while. And then he decides to approach the difficult subject of telling the un-prepared family members (i.e. Laura’s sister) that they will have to take care of themselves. It came out something like this, “…and if we can’t get enough food, well, we’re just going to have to make some tough decisions about your sister.” Laura did not wish to talk about this, as she and her sister are very close. She covered her ears and began to cry. Junior continued his line of reasoning, trying to convince her that it would be a necessity. She would hear none of it. Eventually they went to bed, but she was still quite disturbed. Laura even retreated to the far side of the bed and cried herself to sleep. Junior was confused by her behavior and couldn’t seem to say anything to calm her down.

The next day before coming home from work, Junior bought some of the survival supplies he had been talking about. He came home with a potable water hose, some lanterns, and a root shovel with a serrated edge. He presented the items to Laura, hoping that she would be a little more comfortable with being prepared for emergencies. The presentation of the serrated-edge shovel brought more tears, followed by Junior’s near-loss of his temper over such unreasonable behavior. Finally, Laura was able to choke out the words, “I… can’t… eat… my… sister.” Junior danced around jubilantly at the ridiculous misunderstanding (“tough decisions about your sister” meant telling her she had to feed herself, not killing and eating the sister) and immediately began emailing and calling his buddies to say that his wife thought he would resort to cannibalism AND start with her sister.

There are really no good words to sum up a story like this. My husband laughed so hard he cried when his friend told him this. All I have to say is, if you wear a pith helmet and carry a saber when you mow your lawn, your wife might just think you’re nuts enough to eat her sister.

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